My Scarlett Letters: NGE

Have you read the Scarlett Letter? If not, you should because it's really good. The language is a little old and can be a bit dry at times but it's a really powerful story. The running theme of this book I think resonates with a lot of people, hence my reason for this post.

I am in a Bible Study right now and we are working through Beth Moore's Believing God. Last night we discussed a chapter where Moore delved into this Scarlett Letter concept. That is, what fault or shame do each of us carry deep inside that we feel like the letter(s) of it is emblazoned on our shirt fronts for all to see? Moore challenges the reader to list out some of the letters we have. Like anyone I have several but one set has really been bugging me lately and it's come to the forefront today and this week: NGE, or Not Good Enough.

I have always struggled with being a perfectionist but never moreso since I've had Gavin. Now it seems to have really taken on this negative spin though because instead of trying to be perfect, which I know is impossible, everything I do is Not Good Enough. It's never enough. Like, questioning why I would go back to work after having a baby. Yeah, I can twist that one well by asking if one is implying I won't be a good enough mother because I work outside the home. And that really spins off in a thousand different directions because I need to make sure the house is clean enough, homey enough and everyone is happy enough even though I spend 40 hours each week in an office. Did I clean the toilets this week? When did I last mop the floor? When you walk in the door does the fact that we have 3 furry pets immediately assail your nostrils? Yeah, you can probably see right away how manic I get about this. But if I drop any of these balls, I feel people will first attribute it to the fact that I work; that's why I'm Not Good Enough at being a homemaker.

Oh and then there's my office. What joy! What rapture! What STRESS!! As seems to be my lot in life, I am again by myself in my position. No one to 100% back me up and share the pressure with. So if I'm gone, I'm scrambling in 12 different directions to make sure a variety of people can do exactly what needs to be done (God help them if a situation outside the box comes up because I'm not usually able to prep them for that). And if something goes wrong, or threatens to go wrong, it's typically my fault. I'm Not Good Enough. The event was ok but it could have been better. I should put up signs in the door of the main building IN CASE someone didn't read the clearly spelled out address and directions in the confirmation e-mail and wander into the wrong building. Oh what disaster if that should happen! Oh and don't forget to call these people...yes today. Where are you at in the outstanding invoice follow-up? Why didn't you get someone to cover the office while you're out at meetings? Who's going to do this? Oh Jeanna can get that ready for us. [Insert scream here]

At home, my NGE is completely self-inflicted. I "hear" what people aren't saying in questions that dance around my household, my family. At work though I think management plays a little more role perhaps in how they phrase things to me. I feel very isolated, like it's all up to me to keep certain things afloat.

So why do I do this to myself? I don't know. Some of it seems to really stem from personal pride; I want to do well. I want to excel, succeed. Why should I settle for anything less than as close to perfect as I can get it? At work they certainly seem to expect perfection (God knows when I fail I hear about it). And at home I totally have high expectations: my son should be happy, well-mannered and fun. The house itself should be tidy and as clean as I can keep it with a dog, two cats and a toddler.

I don't want to lower my expectations. I do want to figure out how to give myself a break. I need a break. I need to know that it's ok to screw up. I need to not be yelled at. I need to know I haven't disappointed anyone with my actions or decisions. Unfortunately this kind of stuff isn't always possible for me to have. So I need to find an alternative way to let go of my NGE letters. I'll figure it out. I'll have to. Because to hang on to my letters will only serve to poison me and my relationships with others around me. There's got to be a way to learn how to let go. Give it to God and let go. Yeah...I yearn for that freedom...

So anyway, not sure if this will turn into a series of posts or not as I do have other letters. We'll see... ;)